One of the things to think about when you are looking for a divorce mediator is whether they will meet with both of you together or will meet with you each separately. Meeting with each person separately in mediation is called “caucusing.” Mediators who caucus often do “shuttle mediation” — they go back and forth between parties who are in separate rooms, helping each identify their priorities and working toward a resolution. But I don’t do it. I meet with … read more »
Breaking the news to the kids
Are you the child of a divorce? If so, do you remember when you realized that your parents were separating? My guess is that you do.What do you remember about it–Do you remember what room you were in? Or what you heard? What did you feel? Who comforted you? What was said? Did your parents tell you or did you overhear something? Was it in the context of an argument or was it presented to you calmly? Did your parents … read more »
Learning and Teaching
I just finished teaching Family Law for the third semester in a row at the CUNY School of Law. Every semester, I learn almost as much as I teach. It is a pleasure to have a beginner’s mind, as they say – to remember what it is like to NOT know. CUNY students are particularly inspiring – many are going back to school after or while they are working, and there is always a wide range of life experiences … read more »
Mother’s Day 2021
Today is Mother’s Day, 2021. I am thinking about what it means to be a daughter to my mother, and a mother to my daughter. I am thinking about my grandmother, Ida, who taught me about unconditional love and hard work, and about my other grandmother, Cecile, who taught me how to express your love through cooking and knitting. I think about the ways I mother my nieces and nephews, my young friends, and about those who have mothered me … read more »
I Hear You
“I hear you.” Listening is a very simple act. It’s a subtle act. It is something that we do naturally with the people we love, and when things are going smoothly. Yet one of the most powerful statements that we can ever make is to say honestly, “I hear you. I recognize what you’re going through.” What is listening? Being open to hearing not only the words the speaker is saying, but also to her tone of voice, to read … read more »
Why Do I Love What I Do?
Our families grow and change over our lifetimes. We transition from the family we were born into to the ones we create. We form different types of families by falling in love, by having babies, by adopting children, by divorcing, by being step-parents, by having (or being) God parents, or by treating extended family like our own. Our children grow up and leave, our parents may move in with us. As a result, the idea of the nuclear family is … read more »
Are You My Mother?
I have always been fascinated by families. They drive us crazy and they keep us sane. They are the rock upon which we stand, and can be the bane of our existence. We all know what it is like to be somebody’s child, and many of us know what it is like to be somebody’s parent or somebody’s sibling. But each of our experiences is so particular. So different. This article takes a closer look at 2 very basic questions … read more »
Finally, A Better Definition of Family
New York’s highest court, the New York State Court of Appeals, made a long overdue and unquestionably important decision last month—that a de facto parent who is not a biological or adoptive parent has standing to petition for custody and visitation. This comes up in the context of same-sex relationships where one parent is related to the child biologically, where the parents have raised the children together but are not married. The issue is whether, if they break up, the … read more »
How History is Written
I just read a beautiful tribute to the late Hon. Judith Kaye (1938-2016), who was the much respected and beloved Chief Judge of the Court of Appeals of the State of New York. The tribute was written by Roberta Kaplan, Esq., who represented Edith Windsor in US vs Windsor, the landmark Supreme Court case that, overnight, extended equal rights of gay and lesbian Americans in unprecedented ways. Ms. Kaplan recently remembered Judge Kaye at a dinner for Le-Gal, the LGBT … read more »
Separating – but Not Too Far
I was recently quoted in the New York Times in an article about couples – particularly those with children – who continue to live near each other after they get divorced. While living near your ex is not for everyone, it can have its advantages. For instance, When the children forget something at the other parent’s home, it is no big deal to go get it. Parents don’t have to worry about pick up and drop offs. The children can go … read more »
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