Have you ever wanted to say something to a close friend but were a little scared to bring it up? Maybe it was a response to something they said that hurt you, or an observation, or a deep secret…. We have so many reasons for avoiding difficult conversations. We may want to avoid a conflict or feel too vulnerable. I was interested in Jancee Dunn’s recent article in the New York Times’s Well newsletter, called “How To Have a Difficult … read more »
Romance without Finance is a Nuisance
As the old song goes, romance without finance is a nuisance! But romance with finance can lead to some sticky situations. And sometimes, those sticky situations can lead to divorce. What do couples fight about when they’re fighting about money? This is totally anecdotal, but I’ve seen it in several different ways. I’ll give examples I’ve seen, with a theoretical couple, Chris and Devon: Financial trauma Chris, who was supporting the family while making $500,000 a year, lost their job. … read more »
I mean what I say! (Or do I?)
Communication is so tricky – it has to go through many steps. Even the simplest phone conversation may have a lot of components: My thoughts (Perhaps I’m picturing my very sweet little black dog rolling on her back in the grass in Prospect Park, in Brooklyn.) My words (So I say to you, “My dog is in the park.”) (am I saying what I mean?) Then it goes through the air or over the wires up to the satellites and … read more »
Let it Simmer
“Is this a stereotype?” I asked. “Or is it true that Indian food takes a long time to cook?” I was sitting with my friend, Sethu, in a coffee shop, and we were talking about that never-ending work-life balance. (Perhaps I should mention here that, in my mind, saag paneer and rice is about as perfect as food can get.) “No, it’s true,” she said. “My mom taught me some tricks to make it simpler like doing food prep for … read more »
Does this register?
“There shouldn’t be a registry for weddings, there should be one for divorces,” a client said recently. These days, many people actually need very little when they are getting married, either because they had established their own homes as adults or because they were already living together. It’s when the relationship is ending that they need help. One divorcing spouse has to buy new beds and sofas and cutting boards and sheets and pots and pans. Some couples carefully divide … read more »
Introducing your New Special Someone
One of the significant parts of the divorce experience is when the ex-spouse’s parents begin to date others. This affects everyone – the parent who is in the new relationship, the parent who is NOT in the new relationship, and the child. When this comes up in mediation, it’s usually because it was not handled well. So I thought it might be helpful to share a few ideas (culled from the experts*) about how to talk to your kids about … read more »
Does it ever make sense for folks to have joint custody of the pet?
Last week, I wrote about the evolution in thinking about pets in divorce, and the fact that we are thinking of pets less as property and more as members of the family. In fact, New York (among a few other states) now considers the best interests of the pet in pet custody disputes. Today I want to extend that question – would it ever be appropriate to have joint custody of the dog or cat? We often ask children to … read more »
Who gets custody of the dog?
There are several ways in which legal thinking differs from common sense, and one of them has to do with the way we think about our pets. Or at least this was true in New York until recently. Dogs, cats, and turtles were all treated like sofas, chairs, and TV sets – that is, as personal property. The only value they were given (in legal decisions) was their monetary value. But one look at your dog looking at you with … read more »
A Little Advice From Our Friends…
I got some amazing responses last week from parents who’ve been divorced for a while, so I’m sharing them below. Please share this with anyone who might use the advice! (Warning: this is a little long…) Strategic Holiday Allocation for the Sake of the Kids We remember the divvying up of holidays was fairly simple. Not unemotional, but we really handled it in a way that made sense for everyone, especially the kids. It was really about which holidays were … read more »
Compassionate lawyer??? Wha??
Compassionate lawyer??? Doesn’t that sound like an oxymoron? How do those 2 words go together? I’m learning about branding. That is my new tag. OK, let’s take a step back. In one of my past lives, when I was young and was trying to figure out how to make a positive impact on the world, I studied world religions in the Masters program at Harvard Divinity School. Although it was an amazing experience in many ways, I couldn’t figure out … read more »