First, I want to thank you for your well wishes for my Mom’s 100th birthday. We got a tremendous response, and it was hard to respond to everyone individually, but I read them all and read many to her. She and I were both thrilled. What a great way to start the spring. And it made me feel very lucky to have been born to two extraordinary parents. (My dad was quite awesome, too!). And now, back to our email… … read more »
It’s all about the money, honey!
One of the biggest tension points I see with divorcing couples is about money. People come into relationships with vastly different views of both making money and spending it. One partner might want to save as much as possible, while the other uses “retail therapy” when they get stressed out. Or if one partner is earning a lot, it may make sense for the other partner to stay home with small kids. The earner may be happy to share income … read more »
Romance without Finance is a Nuisance
As the old song goes, romance without finance is a nuisance! But romance with finance can lead to some sticky situations. And sometimes, those sticky situations can lead to divorce. What do couples fight about when they’re fighting about money? This is totally anecdotal, but I’ve seen it in several different ways. I’ll give examples I’ve seen, with a theoretical couple, Chris and Devon: Financial trauma Chris, who was supporting the family while making $500,000 a year, lost their job. … read more »
Our web of expectations
A few weeks ago, I had the honor of teaching an advanced course in divorce mediation with Michelle Exline Minovi at the Center for Understanding in Conflict (CUC). We gathered at the bucolic Highlights Foundation Retreat Center in the mountains, a few hours outside of New York City. The 16-hour training, taught over 2 days, was intense, fun, and tightly packed. I was tasked with teaching internal family systems in a short, interactive lesson. All 20 of us stood shoulder-to-shoulder … read more »
Before Mediation, Maybe You Need a Coach?
The New York Times recently ran an article about divorce coaches. Divorcing? There’s a Coach for That. They say that two stages of the process really call for support and help – the first is during the divorce itself, and the other is post-divorce, when people are rebuilding and reshaping their lives. These are both great, but I think they’d also be useful much earlier in the process. One of the first questions I ask mediation clients is whether they … read more »
Facts Matter!
Why do people get divorced? Is there just one reason, or are there many? What is the truth? This question was addressed by Lori Gottlieb in the “Ask the Therapist” section of the New York Times this week. A reader asked whether she should tell her teenage children that the real reason she and her ex-husband divorced several years ago is because he had an affair. The kids aren’t asking. The parents get along now. The parents told the kids … read more »
Become a better listener by learning to mediate
Since I started mediating, I’ve become a better listener, I’ve become a better friend, I’ve become a better family member, and I’ve definitely become a better lawyer. That was me talking! My colleague, Antoinette DelRuelle, and I are featured on this week’s podcast episode of The Other Chair from the Center for Understanding in Conflict (CUC). Antoinette and I are going to be part of the team that is teaching CUC’s East Coast mediation intensive in June 2025. In the … read more »
Attention: A Finite and Precious Resource
A few years ago, I wrote a blog post called “Layers of Sound.” It includes an exercise of having you listen to very close things, then a little farther away, and still farther. These sounds all happen at the same time, of course, but some may be happening in the background while others are more present in our consciousness. By directing our attention from one to another, we can notice very different things and have very different experiences of that … read more »
Women “Winning” Divorce (podcast episode)
I was honored to be on the podcast, Women Winning Divorce with Heather Quick, Esq. This episode (#143) is “How to Take Control of Your Divorce and Time-Sharing with Mediation for Less Stress and Greater Empowerment.” I had a lovely conversation with Heather, a divorce litigator in Florida, about how mediation is particularly helpful to women. Here are the highlights: You are the experts on your family – you know the strengths weaknesses and needs of everyone in the family. A … read more »
Starting a New Chapter
I’ve always thought it strange that the word “divorce” can be a noun. You can say, “I’m getting a divorce” like “I’m getting a puppy.” But there is no physical person, place, or thing that you’re getting. You can’t hold a divorce. It has no physical weight. So what are you getting when you get a divorce? You’re getting a life transition, a new chapter, a new identity. And it’s not one transition, it’s many. I’ve written before about the … read more »
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