The New York Times recently ran an article about divorce coaches. Divorcing? There’s a Coach for That. They say that two stages of the process really call for support and help – the first is during the divorce itself, and the other is post-divorce, when people are rebuilding and reshaping their lives. These are both great, but I think they’d also be useful much earlier in the process.
One of the first questions I ask mediation clients is whether they are still living together or how long they have been living apart from each other. As a broad generalization, the longer a couple has been physically separated, the easier it will be for them to stay focused in mediation and avoid being blindsided by emotions. Clients who are still living together are often not ready to do the work of making the many decisions that get written into the divorce agreement. First, they have the hard task of grieving the end of the marriage and starting to imagine what it will be like to grow old without each other.
I also ask clients, “Who is in your support system?” Divorce can be a lonely and upsetting process even in the best of circumstances, and it’s important to have at least one person to talk to. People mention their parents or siblings, or perhaps a therapist. But I don’t think I’ve ever had a client tell me that they have a divorce coach. But a divorce coach can be helpful, especially if the divorce was a surprise to them.
Divorce coaches, like sports coaches, can help you identify your goals, inspire you when you feel like giving up, and prevent you from shooting yourself in the foot. They can help you find new ways to care for yourself so you’re not dependent on your ex. They can help you stay focused on priorities like keeping the children’s needs up front. They can help you clarify what it is that you want and need, so you can be ready for negotiations. They can work with you to prepare a list of questions for your attorney so you can reduce billable time with productive and focused meetings. I think they can be particularly useful when there is a child with special needs or in high-conflict divorces.
There are two caveats – one is that divorce coaches are not inexpensive. According to the New York Times article, they can cost between $50 and $300 per hour. But that might be a great investment if you save on legal fees and years of stress. The other caveat is that, as with mediation, it is a relatively unregulated profession. So it is important to interview any potential divorce coach and make sure they have a background you can trust and a spirit that inspires confidence.
I’d love to hear from anyone who is a divorce coach or who has worked with one. It seems like a great idea. After all, divorce is a marathon, not a sprint.