A few years ago, I wrote a blog post called “Layers of Sound.” It includes an exercise of having you listen to very close things, then a little farther away, and still farther. These sounds all happen at the same time, of course, but some may be happening in the background while others are more present in our consciousness. By directing our attention from one to another, we can notice very different things and have very different experiences of that moment.
So I was very interested in learning about Chris Hayes’ new book, The Sirens’ Call: How Attention Became the World’s Most Endangered Resource. Chris distinguishes between involuntary attention (e.g. the sound of a siren) and voluntary attention – that which we choose to pay.
He talks a lot about the tension between what we want to do and what we actually do, and how our collective attention – and attention spans – have changed over time, particularly with the advent of the internet and social media.
My job as a mediator is to guide my clients’ discourse by directing their attention away from some topics and toward others. We focus on the future rather than the past. We talk more about practicalities (like who will take the kids to soccer practice) and very little on blame. We focus on how each person experienced an event rather than having them argue about the “truth” of what happened. I am, at times, helping them reframe their stories.
And then there is the question of what I am paying attention to! I recently joined the Self Reflection for Conflict Professionals Intensive (SCPI – pronounced “skippy”) with my trainers and colleagues at the Center for Understanding in Conflict. They teach us to be aware of what we are experiencing inside while we are mediating – so that we can be more present and connect more deeply with our clients.
We use techniques like journaling and meditating to assess our own emotions and reactions. The feelings are there already (like the sounds in the exercise above) – but when I make the effort to focus on them, I acknowledge and understand them more readily. Sometimes I’m a little surprised at the intensity of my responses, like when I was describing a mediation to my SCPI buddy last week and said, “Meeting with these people is so upsetting, it just makes me want to eat cookies.” Yikes! I need to tend to my own emotions before I meet with those folks again.
“What we pay attention to constitutes our inner lives,” Chris says. I’d go a step further and say that our attention helps us write the stories of our lives. Attention has everything to do with our happiness. Why is it that some people who’ve had difficult experiences still seem to be joyful? They count their blessings no matter what else is going on. Or that others, who seem to ‘have it all’ are just miserable? Both have had positive and negative experiences. Both may have complicated emotions. But why is it that some people lend their attention to all that they have and others focus on all that they lack?
Chris’ premise is that our attention is finite and precious. Directing our attention is not easy for any of us. But at least acknowledging that it has value is an important first step. I can’t wait to finish the book. If only I can pay attention!