That is what psychologist Daniel Goleman has described as the fight or flight response. The amygdala, a tiny almond shaped structure in our brains, sometimes acts almost reflexively. When a lion is after you, the theory goes, you don’t have time to make a thoughtful, considered decision. It’s time to go! Chris Rock was not a lion – and Will Smith wasn’t in physical danger. But Will Smith obviously felt so threatened that he had to do something about it … read more »
It’s Too Darn Hot!
The other day I was on the phone with a friend who was in the Napa Valley. All of the sudden, we got cut off and couldn’t connect back for a long while. When she finally was able to call me back, she said, “My phone was too hot! It said I could make emergency phone calls only.” It was 103 degrees there!! Ahh, climate change! What if we had the same kind of internal emergency warning sign when our … read more »
Layers of Sound
I have been meditating for a few years, and was part of a workshop recently where the facilitator had us listen to “layers of sound.” I didn’t understand what she was talking about at first. It sounded a little mysterious, and a little woo woo…. But I decided to try what she was asking. And it’s not hard – I’ll show you. (This is an interactive blog post!) Listen – right now – first, to the sounds that are farthest … read more »
Finally, A Better Definition of Family
New York’s highest court, the New York State Court of Appeals, made a long overdue and unquestionably important decision last month—that a de facto parent who is not a biological or adoptive parent has standing to petition for custody and visitation. This comes up in the context of same-sex relationships where one parent is related to the child biologically, where the parents have raised the children together but are not married. The issue is whether, if they break up, the … read more »
Let Freedom Ring
Tomorrow is the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington in which the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. gave his magnificent “I Have a Dream” speech – one of most inspiring and important speeches in history. In anticipation, I just read the full text of the speech again, and link to it here. There are some lines that we have heard over and again, and which we need to hear over and again. But there are a few others … read more »
The Dreaded Pre-nup
Lately, I have had a few clients who have come to me asking for a prenuptial agreement because their parents insisted that they have one. Prenups used to be thought of only for the rich and famous. But they are becoming much more common, and are losing some of their stigma. When should you consider having a pre-nup? Here are some common examples when a pre-nup can be helpful. If: You are part of a family business, and you want … read more »
We’re quoted in Smart Money!
Well, this doesn’t happen every day! We’re quoted in Smart Money – a national magazine published by the Wall Street Journal. I had quite a long talk with the reporter, Glenn Ruffenbach. He just used one idea from our discussion, but it is an important one – that disputes between siblings is a bit different because they don’t often have the opportunity (or the experience) to work on problem-solving together. While other articles have focused on what elder mediation is, … read more »
Which Way Are You Facing?
One of the hardest and most important tasks in working with a couple is to get them to turn around. They almost always come in, facing each other, arguing. They see the other person in front of them, and often they are furious. All they can see is what that person has done to them, all they can feel is the loss and rage inside that that person has caused. And then there are the logistics to work … read more »
The Four Divorces
It has been said that people go through several different divorces – emotional, social, physical and legal. The couple that was once connected in a million different ways now has to learn how to untangle. The first three apply whether the couple was legally married or not. Even though divorce only applies to people who are legally married, there may be legal issues that arise when unmarried couples split up, as well. Emotional divorce occurs when the couple is no … read more »
The Willingness to Disagree
One of my mentors, Gary Friedman, lists four criteria that you need to mediate: – the motivation to mediate– self-responsibility– the willingness to agree– the willingness to disagree (A Guide to Divorce Mediation: How to Reach a Fair Legal Settlement at a Fraction of the Cost. NY: Workman Publishing, 1993) These criteria apply to the collaborative practice, too. In my next few posts, I will explore the four criteria, starting with the last one. “The willingness to disagree in a … read more »