Recently, the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece, written by Prof. Stephanie Coontz, about the proposed legislation permitting no-fault divorce in New York State. The article, entitled Divorce, No-Fault Style, points out that New York State is the only state that requires fault, making it more difficult for couples to get divorced. But it is the last 2 paragraphs that I found to be the most important, because they are about divorce mediation. Here is my favorite quote, citing … read more »
The Sandwich Generation – How Not To Get Smushed
Last time I wrote about my Smith College reunion. Well, another classmate and I led a workshop together about caregiving for our elderly parents. We talked about the challenges that face many of our generation – we love our parents and feel responsible, but have other demands on our lives (work, children, relationships). There were a couple of themes that emerged: How do we set boundaries? Should we move our parents near us, or should we move near them? How … read more »
The Next 10 – or 20 – or 30 Years
I went to my {gulp} 30th Smith College reunion last weekend (OK, I’ll upload a photo separately). Jill Ker Conway spoke to our class — she’d been president of the college when we were there. She said that we should not look forward to retiring at the age of 62, or 65 — those numbers were established as retirement age when the life expectancy was about 68. But now the life expectancy is much longer – and we should expect … read more »
Estate Planning as a Family Conversation
The NY Times ran a terrific article last week about the value of talking about your estate plan with your family. Although it may cause some friction at the time, it gives family members a chance to vent, to speak their piece, and it gives parents (or whomever is doing the planning) an opportunity to explain their thinking. Many parents leave their estate to be divided equally among their children. While this is logical, and appears fair on the surface, … read more »
Compassion and Mediation
I am taking a course this weekend from Zoketsu Norman Fisher – a Zen Buddhist priest, and a teacher of meditation. In preparation, I read an article he wrote entitled, “Developing Compassion.” He writes, “to be narrowly self-interested and self-identified is simply a very dangerous and unhappy way to live – the wider your interest and larger your sense of identity, the happier and the stronger you will be.” And this reminds me of words of my mediation teachers, Jack … read more »
Gay and Lesbian Couples – Splitting Up
What options are available to gay and lesbian couples who are splitting up? If they’ve been legally married but live in a state that doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage, getting divorced may not be an option. If they are not legally married but have kids, they may have to go to civil court to divide up their property, and to family court to get an order about their children. It is much easier to do collaborative process or mediation, where the … read more »
How to Pick a Divorce Lawyer
The New York Times has been running a fantastic series about Divorce and Money. Tonight they asked people to comment on the best way to pick a divorce lawyer. Here is my answer: The best way to pick a divorce lawyer is to find someone who will try to optimize the situation for everyone involved (particularly the kids), not just for you. Think about the emotional and psychic costs as well as the financial costs. I am an attorney who only … read more »
The 6 Relationships …
I just returned from the ACR (Association for Conflict Resolution) annual conference, which really opened my eyes in a lot of ways. But one thing I wanted to share tonight was a concept from Stephen Reynolds, a mediator in Santa Cruz, CA with Common Ground Mediation Services. He comes from a business background, and had an interesting, analytical view of committed relationships. His view is that each committed relationship really has 6 relationships going on at once. In no particular … read more »
I and Thou
My favorite book is I and Thou by Martin Buber. It is the defining book of my life, I think. It is based upon a simple, but profound, premise: that each relationship we have is either I:It or I:Thou. I:It relationships with things – I:Thou (I:You) relationships are those with beings. It is contained, inanimate, what you can experience. Thou is spirit, limitless. “If I face a human being as my Thou,” Buber says, “and say the primary word I-Thou … read more »
Good for Your Health!
The New York Times published an article in the Well Column of the Science Section last week, entitled, “Divorce, It Seems, Can Make You Ill.” Similar news stories came out as well, based upon a study done by sociologists at the University of Chicago and at Johns Hopkins, that followed over 8,600 people, about 40% of whom had gotten divorced. The researchers found that divorce and widowhood are extremely stressful, physically as well as mentally, and that even getting remarried … read more »