The first exercise they gave us in law school was about a sign that says “No Vehicles in the Park.” Seems simple enough. But in this assignment, you go into the park and there is an old army tank up on a pedestal. And then a kid rides by on a tricycle. And then you see a woman pushing a double stroller. And then there’s a teenager on a skateboard. And that led to a nuanced discussion about what exactly is a … read more »
Both Sides Now
I’ve looked at life from both sides now From win and lose and still somehow It’s life’s illusions I recall I really don’t know life at all – Joni Mitchell, Both Sides Now These words could be a mediator’s anthem! A huge part of what we are trying to do is to understand the situation from both sides. This is very different from a court trial, which is based on the assumption that there is only one truth about what … read more »
The slowest wheel…
Dear Joy, “I just want to get this done!” Sam said, gritting his teeth. “What can I do to push this along?” I’d met with Sam and Jane over many months. * They had come so far. They’d already told the children, Sam had moved out, and they had (mostly) separated their finances. Jane found a part-time job that allowed her to be home by the time the children got out of school. The kids were going back and … read more »
Ugh – Don’t judge!
Sophie Gooddog and I spend a lot of time at my mom’s house. We always stay in the guest room there. A few weeks ago, my brother, who is allergic to dogs, was coming and was going to stay in that room. He asked me to vacuum it for him. But I knew that Sophie’s fur was only part of the problem. The room also needed a major dusting. It hadn’t had a real scrubbing in a long time. My mom, who is in her … read more »
When One Door Closes…
I am helping a friend move out of her house this week. She is packing up her big house to move to an apartment far away. The move makes sense in so many ways, and she knows it, but that doesn’t make it easier. I take down her family photos so she doesn’t have to remember so many moments. A set of dishes goes into storage in wait for her daughter. So do the teddy bears and the favorite books. … read more »
7 Tips for Parents Talking to the Kids About Divorce or Separation
I’ve recently been helping some parents think through how and when to talk to their children about their divorce. Here are some tips I’ve come up with – it’s based on years of reading and working with parents. – please share it with your spouse! 7 Tips for Parents Talking to Kids About Divorce or Separation Plan. Talk with your spouse first and plan out how and when you are going to have this talk. Your children will remember this … read more »
Did Will Smith have an amygdala hijack?
That is what psychologist Daniel Goleman has described as the fight or flight response. The amygdala, a tiny almond shaped structure in our brains, sometimes acts almost reflexively. When a lion is after you, the theory goes, you don’t have time to make a thoughtful, considered decision. It’s time to go! Chris Rock was not a lion – and Will Smith wasn’t in physical danger. But Will Smith obviously felt so threatened that he had to do something about it … read more »
The New York City Family Courts are Clogged Worse Than the BQE at Rush Hour
I filed two uncontested divorces in early February 2021 in Manhattan Supreme Court, and neither of them have been signed yet. That is nearly 13 months. It is stressful for my clients, and has a real economic impact, because they cannot transfer or access their retirement accounts until their judgment of divorce is signed. — But that is nothing compared to what is going on in Family Court. I worked in the Family Courts for 10 years before I became … read more »
Working with Financial Neutrals
One of the hardest problems that a divorcing couple may face is how to divide up marital property. Each spouse makes a list of everything they own and everything they owe. This is called a Net Worth Statement. Then the court – or the spouses – must decide which property is separate (which that spouse will keep) and which is marital (or joint) and will have to get divided. As you can imagine, this can be emotional, and may be a … read more »
Who Wears the Pants in Your Family?
When I was growing up, the expectation for middle-class marriages (which were always between women and men) was that it was the man’s job to earn enough money to support the family, and it was the woman’s job was to have children and to contribute to the economy by spending money. [Of course, I recognize that working-class women (particularly those of color) have always worked.] Couples were expected to stay married for life, and it was very difficult to get … read more »
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