“The change we need isn’t just about new programs and policies. It’s about a new politics – a politics that calls upon our better angels instead of encouraging our worst instincts; one that reminds us of the obligations we have to ourselves and one another.” — Barack Obama, Canton, Ohio, October 27, 2008. Mediation calls upon our “better angels.” And in mediation we learn to see a problem through another person’s eyes. In the family mediation that I practice, we … read more »
Bankrupt?
Is bankruptcy a possibility for you? For your ex? Are you worried about how it will affect the financial terms of your divorce or separation? Bankruptcy cannot discharge court-ordered obligations of child support, alimony or equitable distribution. That means that even if you declare bankruptcy, you must pay support to your family. It also means that if there is any money that will be divided among creditors, the family comes first. But what if you are not legally married? … read more »
Are You Being Heard?
A visitor to Jerusalem goes to the Wailing Wall. He sees a rabbi there, praying. He asks the rabbi what he is praying for. “Peace in the middle east,” the rabbi says. “How long have you been praying?” our visitor asks. “Every day for 25 years!” “And how is it going? Do you think we are making progress?” our friend asks. “It’s like talking to a wall!” The rabbi exclaims. I’ve noticed that one of the most powerful aspects … read more »
Learn from the Dogs!
New York City parks have many wonderful places for dogs to play during off-leash hours. Dogs create their own social relationships (as do their owners!), creating a complex subculture. My golden retriever and I frequent a huge, hilly open meadow a in Prospect Park called “the Nethermead.” It’s a wonderful part in the center of the park where no buildings are visible, and it is quite easy to forget you are in the middle of one of the largest cities … read more »
Different Time Zones
I’ve been doing a few mediations lately where the timing of the partners is way out of sync. It often happens in divorce that one person can’t wait and the other is dragging his/her feet. So what do you do? Well, as my friend Rachel Green says, “A train can only go as fast as its slowest wheel.” Mediation is a voluntary process. and it must be done in tandem, so the rabbit has no choice but wait for the … read more »
A New Mindset!
“We are living in a society in which victims are compensated with money.” – Rod Wells Rod is one of my colleagues on the Board of Directors of the Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York, and he is also a Financial neutral in mediation and collaborative cases. He stated this at a meeting of the NYS Council on Divorce Mediation a few weeks ago. If we come to a separation with that mentality, we must show how … read more »
Either/Or or Both/And?
My friends and I used to talk about a concept of “both/and” as opposed to “either/or.” What we meant was that, when making group decisions, we could look for solutions that were good for the group as a whole – and therefore each person in the group (a win-win approach), rather than one person winning at the expense of another losing. This really describes the basis of mediation and collaborative process, as opposed to litigation. It’s not about individual … read more »
Which Way Are You Facing?
One of the hardest and most important tasks in working with a couple is to get them to turn around. They almost always come in, facing each other, arguing. They see the other person in front of them, and often they are furious. All they can see is what that person has done to them, all they can feel is the loss and rage inside that that person has caused. And then there are the logistics to work … read more »
Keeping It Light …
I just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love. She describes divorce to “having a really bad car accident every single day for about two years.” Wow – what a concept! I don’t think they were mediating …
What Can You Agree On?
I’m excited because I just finished mediating a case that really worked. To be honest, the first time I met the couple, I really had my doubts. If he said the sky is blue, she’d say, “you’re lying – you know it’s green!!” I mean they couldn’t agree about the most basic of facts. But they both clearly loved their daughter, and they were both responsible parents. The problem was that the mother wanted to move to another city, … read more »