I’m so excited! This week I learned about a whole new way to use mediation – to help families make decisions together when an elderly parent can no longer take care of herself, or drive, or live alone. Or when the siblings are trying to decide what to do with the summer house, or how to divide up the stuff Dad left … The training was taught by Arline Kardasis and Blair Tripp from Elder Decisions/Agreement Resources in Massachusetts. They … read more »
We are all made of Sound
Mediating a few weeks ago, a client said, “We are all made of sound.” She meant that we are all influenced by others, shaped by others. What a poetic way of putting it. I have commented before on the “ghosts in the room,” in mediation – the parents, girlfriends, best friends, etc. who influence our thinking. These people, who are not actually sitting around the table, can have a deep effect on mediation. How do we address their thoughts … read more »
Where are We?
President-elect Obama. Was the election really only 9 days ago? Doesn’t it seem as though the whole world has changed since then? It’s as though we have a whole new outlook, a new range of possibilities that didn’t exist before. You knew the moment was coming, but didn’t realize how profound a shift it would be until it really got here. How could it be? Many of my friends are strangely quiet, introspective, trying to get used to this new … read more »
Obama (the Mediator) for President
“The change we need isn’t just about new programs and policies. It’s about a new politics – a politics that calls upon our better angels instead of encouraging our worst instincts; one that reminds us of the obligations we have to ourselves and one another.” — Barack Obama, Canton, Ohio, October 27, 2008. Mediation calls upon our “better angels.” And in mediation we learn to see a problem through another person’s eyes. In the family mediation that I practice, we … read more »
Bankrupt?
Is bankruptcy a possibility for you? For your ex? Are you worried about how it will affect the financial terms of your divorce or separation? Bankruptcy cannot discharge court-ordered obligations of child support, alimony or equitable distribution. That means that even if you declare bankruptcy, you must pay support to your family. It also means that if there is any money that will be divided among creditors, the family comes first. But what if you are not legally married? … read more »
Are You Being Heard?
A visitor to Jerusalem goes to the Wailing Wall. He sees a rabbi there, praying. He asks the rabbi what he is praying for. “Peace in the middle east,” the rabbi says. “How long have you been praying?” our visitor asks. “Every day for 25 years!” “And how is it going? Do you think we are making progress?” our friend asks. “It’s like talking to a wall!” The rabbi exclaims. I’ve noticed that one of the most powerful aspects … read more »
Different Time Zones
I’ve been doing a few mediations lately where the timing of the partners is way out of sync. It often happens in divorce that one person can’t wait and the other is dragging his/her feet. So what do you do? Well, as my friend Rachel Green says, “A train can only go as fast as its slowest wheel.” Mediation is a voluntary process. and it must be done in tandem, so the rabbit has no choice but wait for the … read more »
A New Mindset!
“We are living in a society in which victims are compensated with money.” – Rod Wells Rod is one of my colleagues on the Board of Directors of the Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York, and he is also a Financial neutral in mediation and collaborative cases. He stated this at a meeting of the NYS Council on Divorce Mediation a few weeks ago. If we come to a separation with that mentality, we must show how … read more »
Either/Or or Both/And?
My friends and I used to talk about a concept of “both/and” as opposed to “either/or.” What we meant was that, when making group decisions, we could look for solutions that were good for the group as a whole – and therefore each person in the group (a win-win approach), rather than one person winning at the expense of another losing. This really describes the basis of mediation and collaborative process, as opposed to litigation. It’s not about individual … read more »
Which Way Are You Facing?
One of the hardest and most important tasks in working with a couple is to get them to turn around. They almost always come in, facing each other, arguing. They see the other person in front of them, and often they are furious. All they can see is what that person has done to them, all they can feel is the loss and rage inside that that person has caused. And then there are the logistics to work … read more »