The Wall Street Journal published a terrific article yesterday, Family Value: A Referee for Family Disputes, about the value of elder mediation, and its value to families facing tough decisions around care-giving and inheritance. This is just the latest in several major newspapers to cover it. It’s exciting to be one of the forerunners of this new and growing field! I recommend a few: Eldercare Mediators help resolve Feuds, Washington Post, Dec 14, 2010 When the Family Needs an … read more »
Mediate! Don’t litigate!
I was coming out of the subway the other day by NYC’s City Hall, and found myself in the middle of a demonstration. A bunch of young people, all dressed in pea coats and fisherman’s knit scarves and hats held were chanting, “Don’t go to court – mediate!” and “Mediate – don’t litigate!” I was quickly given a handbill for the new TV series, Fairly Legal, which premiered last night. The “demonstrators” were actually paid by a marketing firm… While … read more »
Who will get your property when you die?
Who will inherit from you if you die without a will? It might not be the people you feel most connected to. Here is the order in New York State. If you don’t have a relative in one category, see the next category down. (for instance, if you don’t have a spouse, your money will go to your kids). If you have a spouse and kids, your spouse gets the first $50,000 + half of the remaining estate. Your kids … read more »
Creative Parenting Plans
Parents often ask me how they should structure the time children spend with each parent. That depends a lot on what the children are used to, how involved each parent was before the divorce, how attached they are to each parent, and the parents’ schedule. It also varies based upon whether the parent is really available – will they be with the parent or with a babysitter? Yesterday I wrote about Robert Emery. His site also includes some creative ideas … read more »
A Children’s Bill of Rights for Divorce
I read a custody case today which incorporated a Children’s Bill of Rights into her decision. MMH v William D.H. (Fam Ct, Dutchess Co, 3/5/10). While I have seen the Bill of Rights incorporated into separation agreements, I’ve never seen it incorporated into a judgment. I started to scout around and found several slightly different versions on the internet – from divorcehq, one written on about.com, kids in the middle, divorce central. But my favorite, for its completeness and simplicity, … read more »
Elder Decisions
My mediation partner, Jane Ginsberg, PsyD, and I, led two workshops on Cape Cod this week regarding elder decisions. Both workshops were well attended, both by caregivers and by elders themselves. I was amazed to see how quickly people opened up to us and to each other. Some of their concerns were logistical – for instance, about where they might live, or whether they should still drive. There were also concerns about being lonely, and about the ongoing grief of … read more »
Divorce Mediation, NY Times Style
Recently, the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece, written by Prof. Stephanie Coontz, about the proposed legislation permitting no-fault divorce in New York State. The article, entitled Divorce, No-Fault Style, points out that New York State is the only state that requires fault, making it more difficult for couples to get divorced. But it is the last 2 paragraphs that I found to be the most important, because they are about divorce mediation. Here is my favorite quote, citing … read more »
How to Pick a Divorce Lawyer
The New York Times has been running a fantastic series about Divorce and Money. Tonight they asked people to comment on the best way to pick a divorce lawyer. Here is my answer: The best way to pick a divorce lawyer is to find someone who will try to optimize the situation for everyone involved (particularly the kids), not just for you. Think about the emotional and psychic costs as well as the financial costs. I am an attorney who only … read more »
I and Thou
My favorite book is I and Thou by Martin Buber. It is the defining book of my life, I think. It is based upon a simple, but profound, premise: that each relationship we have is either I:It or I:Thou. I:It relationships with things – I:Thou (I:You) relationships are those with beings. It is contained, inanimate, what you can experience. Thou is spirit, limitless. “If I face a human being as my Thou,” Buber says, “and say the primary word I-Thou … read more »
Good for Your Health!
The New York Times published an article in the Well Column of the Science Section last week, entitled, “Divorce, It Seems, Can Make You Ill.” Similar news stories came out as well, based upon a study done by sociologists at the University of Chicago and at Johns Hopkins, that followed over 8,600 people, about 40% of whom had gotten divorced. The researchers found that divorce and widowhood are extremely stressful, physically as well as mentally, and that even getting remarried … read more »