photo by Bruce Mars
“There shouldn’t be a registry for weddings, there should be one for divorces,” a client said recently.
These days, many people actually need very little when they are getting married, either because they had established their own homes as adults or because they were already living together. It’s when the relationship is ending that they need help.
One divorcing spouse has to buy new beds and sofas and cutting boards and sheets and pots and pans. Some couples carefully divide up all of their belongings. Some people leave with nothing and buy all new stuff. Some make a ritual of taking their kids to Ikea to pick out their own sheets. But in one way or the other, the new household has to be set up, and it is not inexpensive.
There actually are a few divorce registries – like Fresh Starts and Divorcist. They aren’t nearly as robust as wedding registries but have the same idea. (they even accept cash donations so friends can help with things like legal fees!). Kathryn Jezer-Morton, in a recent New York magazine article, points out that divorce gift registries help to normalize divorce as one of life’s transitions.
Leslie Jamison, in the New York Times this week, points out that receiving gifts after her divorce was a way for her to feel supported by her community. She was grateful that her loved ones imagined what she was going through.
Both authors point out that, while the physical stuff was helpful, it was the sense that they weren’t alone that was most important. And some of what they needed was more practical (like help picking up the kids after soccer or lending an ear when they needed to vent.) I wonder if there is a registry for that.