Former NYC Mayor Bill DiBlasio and his wife, Chirlane McCray, are breaking up. Sort of. They’re separating but not moving out. Splitting but not getting divorced. Let’s just say they are transforming their relationship. Planning to date other people. The New York Times broke the story this week, which was picked up by the AP and all of the major news outlets.
There are 743 comments on the NY Times website about this – people have strong opinions! They’re mostly critical and cynical, but a few say things like “Thank you, NYT, for showing us a modern couple, grappling with all the things that modern couples do. Monogamy is not the be-all, end-all, folks! … may they find deeper happiness both within and between themselves.”
Why do we care?
Obviously, people are interested because they are well known. But it’s more than that — they’ve always been a creative couple in so many ways. They sent their kids to NYC public schools. They’re both wicked smart. He’s Italian and she’s Black, he’s tall and she’s not.
She had her own established career and wrote an article for Essence about being a lesbian before she met him. It’s hard to imagine what kind of pressure “the uncommon glare of public scrutiny” has put on their marriage. And what it will put on this new phase.
But I also think that Bill and Chirlane are pushing the envelope of what it means to be married. They’re trying to figure out how to make their marriage work for them. Maybe the public eye was just too much for them. Is this now an open marriage? Is it polyamory (as Vanity Fair suggests)?
It’s not clear.
As the reader above says, they’re viewing marriage as a work in progress. What I find remarkable is that they are trying to find ways to each be themselves and they’re not angry about it. At least not yet. They’re at least trying to find ways to support each other and their independence. Bill gave us the key indirectly. At the end of the article, Bill quotes a song called Mango he said describes how he is feeling now. Here are some of the words:
If you found some other dude,
What do I do?
If he loves you truly,
How could I not love him, too?
If he improves you
More than I used to, hey
I don’t want nothing but you
Getting you what you need
Even if it ain’t from me
Cause I love you
And what love is
Never selfish
And of service …
Giving it up is not giving up
Giving it up is giving
Do you think that could be true – that giving up on a marriage is not giving up – but that giving up is giving? We think of divorce as a disaster. But could it be the most loving thing you could give?