The Jewish high holy days are days of reflection – taking stock of the year that just passed, thinking about things we wish we’d done differently, and asking for forgiveness. We seek forgiveness from the person we have hurt, from God, and from ourselves.
I think about this in the context of divorce mediation. Often, I tell people that mediation is future focused. ‘We don’t look for the “truth” of what happened in the past,’ I say. Instead we focus on where the kids will be on Thursday nights, or when the house will be sold.’ That is true and not true.
Although it may not be explicit in our meetings, I think my clients are always reflecting on how the relationship transformed over time, and on how they got to the end of the marriage. Many times, especially in the beginning, there are tears. Occasionally, people ask each other questions about what happened. This is all part of separating, of saying goodbye. Of healing.
A few weeks ago, I joined a friend at her synagogue, where they showed a short documentary called The Last Repair Shop. Los Angeles is one of the only major US cities that still provides free musical instruments to its public school students. The film examines the repair shop that keeps those instruments in service – by showing what it means to the technicians who work there, and how important the working instruments are to the student musicians. After the film showing, we talked about the analogy between repairing instruments and repairing relationships. You take an inanimate piece of wood and make it resonate again. You call your estranged father with the hopes that one day, you will laugh together again. Your relationship doesn’t go back to what it was, but something new may form.
I believe that most people do the best they can, most of the time. But that doesn’t mean we don’t hurt others. We all do. How do we deal with this? First, we must listen. Listen without being defensive. We acknowledge that the harm occurred, and our part in causing it. We forgive ourselves. We ask for forgiveness. We try to do better. We take steps towards repair.
We are all so imperfect.
Repairing a relationship not only confers dignity on the other person, but it confers dignity on ourselves. It brings acceptance, and peace.
Here’s to a year of accepting who we are, of forgiving ourselves and each other. Here’s to a year of peace, both internal and external.