I am meeting a couple for the first time on Zoom for their free introductory session where we talk about the structure and logistics of mediation. I want to explain my view of what it means to be neutral.
“I don’t see neutrality as some outside objective thing,” I say. “I’m not removed. I want to be there for you,” I continue, looking at one spouse. “And I want to be there for you,” I repeat, looking at the other.
I am repeating the words of my mediation teacher, Gary J. Friedman. He was teaching us one of the most important concepts in mediation – that there is no one “reality” upon which both spouses must agree. One spouse can have one perception of an event, the other can have a completely different perception, and both perceptions can be valid.
When I first heard about this concept, I thought about the story of the blind man and the elephant. Six blind men come across an elephant – One, feeling the side, says an elephant is just like a wall. Another, feeling the trunk, says it’s just like a snake. The third, feeling the tusk, says it’s like a spear… you get the picture. They’re each right! And they’re each incomplete.
Gary talks about it in terms of filling up “bubbles of understanding.” He writes, “I imagine that inside me are two empty bubbles, one for each person. I try to hold both people in my heart. This keeps me balanced inside – when I connect with one, I can feel an internal openness to the other. Feeling both bubbles inside me gives me a concrete sense that I am there for both people.” (Inside Out, p. 110). The goal then, is not to decide which spouse is right. The goal is to connect, emotionally and intellectually, with both spouses, to acknowledge their perceptions. By feeling “heard,” it is easier for them to hear each other.
I thought of this concept a few days ago when I realized that Inauguration Day is going to take place on the Dr. Martin Luther King holiday. It’s hard to imagine two more different visions of what America is and what America could be.
I am worried about how things will change over the next 4 years and for the safety of my clients and the people I love. My mom, who is 98, says, “We’ve been through hard times before and we’ll get through this again.” But it’s hard not to fret. This country, like the elephant, is large and complicated, and it seems more and more like we Americans are living side by side in very different realities. I try to remind myself that all the good folks are still here – and we will make our voices heard. We are both/and — not either/or.