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CNN recently published this photo of President Biden, taken on his way to Camp David last weekend. The book he is holding is Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict the newest book by William Ury, who was a coauthor of Getting to Yes, which is one of the foundational books of conflict resolution.
Ury, who often works with seemingly intractable conflicts, was challenged to distill his 50-year career to one sentence. Here’s what he came up with: “The path to possible is to go to the balcony, build a golden bridge, and engage the third side – all together, all at once.” p. 28. Of course, he spends the rest of the book explaining what he means. He gives examples throughout the book of international conflicts he has worked on, but his concept should also work for interpersonal conflict.
Here’s a quick synopsis of the book.
- The balcony (a concept I remember from Donna Hicks’ work on Dignity) focuses on the relationship between I and Self.
- The bridge focuses on the relationship between I and You or I and Other.
- The third side focuses on how the conflict affects – and is affected by – the community – the Us. p. 31
Going to the balcony is taking a moment when you are in a conflict, to breathe, to stop and reflect, to give your brain a chance to respond with your rational self. Ury says “Start by stopping.” p. 56. (Or as my dad used to tell his students, ‘Don’t just do something, stand there.’). Check your reaction to the situation when you feel reactive. He says to zoom in: Focus on your main priorities. Keep asking yourself what is most important and why. (Gary Friedman describes this beautifully in his book, Inside Out.). Then zoom out and take the long view –what could happen if you do achieve an agreement? What could happen if you don’t?
Building a golden bridge is reaching out to your “opponent” by listening deeply, being creative and changing an either-or mindset to a both-and one, and coming up with creative solutions for mutual gain and building trust.
Engaging the third side is to engage others to help us in conflict by building inclusivity (what Ury calls hosting), seeking help when needed (e.g. from a mediator), and using the community to support your problem-solving approach.
Ury calls this all “the path to possible.” It is his answer to “how we survive – and thrive – in this age of conflict.” p. 305.
In this time of terrible and seemingly intractable conflict, we all need to practice being possibilists. It gives me great hope to think that President Biden is a possibilist, too.