Elaine, me, Darryl 20
In a few days, I will gather with Darryl’s family for a few days in the Caribbean. (Darryl and I were married for 16 years until he died in 2020, at the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak.) I’m thrilled to still be included in family gatherings, and I can’t wait to see everyone.
But I am especially excited that the gathering will also include Darryl’s first wife, Elaine. She and Darryl had the most amazing post-divorce relationship. Elaine lived in California, and we lived in Brooklyn. Their daughter, Zuri, was an expert at criss-crossing the country, even as a child. Darryl and Elaine always stayed in close touch, with regular weekly calls and texts in between. We saw each other several times a year and always had family meals together when we were in the same place. Elaine does things I can only admire – she is a voracious reader of news and fiction, got her MFA after retiring from a career at Stanford University, and hikes regularly. She and I stay in touch, check in on each other, and check in about Zuri. I treasure that friendship.
But we are not the only wives/ex-wives who are friends! And then I was delighted to see that my colleague Micki McWade (who reads this column!) had a piece in the NY Times’ Tiny Love Stories recently about a similar situation. Her story was this:
Between Past and Present
Sitting in a stadium row between my past and present, I keenly sense two realities. My former husband, father of my four children, is on my left, and my current dear husband of 28 years is on my right. My ex and I are the patriarch and matriarch of the tribe, attending our grandson’s graduation. Our relationship is ancient history to our children and completely unknown to our grandchildren, yet it was everything for 22 years. A wise friend warned me about divorce and parenting back then. With children, it’s never really over. We act accordingly.
— Micki McWade
My guess (and hope) is that it happens more often than you think.