I’ve been obsessed with Tracy Chapman since I saw that stellar performance she gave of Fast Car at the Grammy Awards with Luke Combs. I used to listen to her a LOT. This week, I’ve been singing her music repeatedly, rediscovering old songs like they were buried treasures. I found the words to Baby Can I Hold You that I just had to share with you:
“Sorry”
Is all that you can’t say
Years gone by, and still
Words don’t come easily
Like “Sorry,” like “Sorry..”
“Forgive me”
Is all that you can’t say
Years gone by, and still
Words don’t come easily
Like “Forgive me,” like “Forgive me..”
– Tracy Chapman, Baby Can I Hold You
I spend a lot of time helping couples figure out how they’re going to share the kids’ expenses, how they’re going to divide up their stuff, and where the kids are going to be on Christmas.
But we don’t spend enough time digging underneath all of that to understand why they are splitting up. The reason they lost trust in each other – the promises unkept, and the hurt that they caused each other.
Once in a rare and precious while, one person (“A”) will use the safety of mediation as an opportunity to talk about their experience of being hurt (by “B”) honestly and directly.
B’s response can change the course of the conversation. It is important for B not to be defensive, but to acknowledge A’s experience. It’s important for B not to say “But you did it, too,” or “But I had to” and not to blame someone else. Once B can acknowledge A’s experience, B can apologize for making A feel that way, and say (if it is true) that they never meant for that to happen.
Just the instance of A feeling heard and seen by B creates a magic moment. The conversation gets quiet, and we have a moment of peace. I try to stop to acknowledge what happened to both A and B. I want them both to remember the moment — to feel that tiny bit of recognition amid their conflict.
The New York Times just ran a sweet article called How to Apologize Like You Mean It, by Jancee Dunn. Here are her suggestions:
- Explain – but keep it brief.
- Acknowledge any harm you’ve caused.
- Say you’ll try not to do it again.
- Offer to repair.
- Ask for forgiveness (but let go of expectations).
I would add one at the top – acknowledge the other person’s experience. It seems fundamental.
Real apologies are so hard to make and are precious and rare – even, or especially — in our closest relationships. And yet they can – and do – bring us closer. Next time someone allows you to apologize, see that as a gift!