In my practice, I have observed that when couples divorce, there are actually several layers of separation, each of which requires its own attention. I think of these as the emotional, social, physical and legal divorces. The emotional divorce between spouses, like that of any friendship, often happens over time. People may simply grow apart, particularly those who began their marriage when they were young. They may change their expectations for themselves and for what they want from a partner. … read more »
Power to the People!
A big change is coming to the New York State court system. Starting this fall, all New York State courts will work on a system of “presumptive mediation,” which means that it will be assumed that every civil case filed can be resolved using Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) e.g. mediation, arbitration or early neutral evaluation. Instead of having to opt in – to affirmatively decide to mediate — parties may opt out. Think of the difference between being presumed innocent … read more »
What Happens in the Mediation Room?
I ask both parties to come in for an introductory meeting when they inquire about divorce mediation. I am not a fancy person. I look professional, but I don’t often wear suits in the office. I try not to use big words, and to explain things in English, rather than legalese. I don’t think my job is to scare clients — in fact, I try to reassure them that they can get through the process, because they can. And our … read more »
Law School 101
American law is created in two ways — by statute and by case law. Statutes are proposed and drafted by legislators for that jurisdiction, and other government rules and regulations are drafted by the agencies that are charged with running them. Most laws about family relationships are state laws. The statutes that relate to divorce, separation and children are mostly found in the New York State Domestic Relations Law (DRL) and in the Family Court Act (FCA). These are texts … read more »
Hold Your Grudges!
“But you had an affair!” “But you started drinking … again!” What is a grudge? The Oxford Dictionary website defines it as ‘A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.’ As you can imagine, nearly everyone who walks through the doors of my office to get divorced has a grudge or two in their pocket. I’m sure some are well deserved. Certainly, past insults and injuries are what lead to divorce in the … read more »
Making a Better Child Support Agreement
A few months ago, I wrote a few notes about spousal maintenance. Today, I’d like to write a few notes about child support that I think are important to keep in mind. I gave a basic overview of child support last year, but I thought I would take the time to write about it again, since this is such an important part of any separation agreement. (You’re learning along with my students!) The Child Support Formula In an effort to … read more »
What’s Fair Is Fair… Or Is It?
“I only want what is equitable. That is my operating principle,” Raymond explained as he sat across from me the first time we met. His wife, Lenore, looked intensely at him. “But what you consider to be equitable is not fair to me,” she said quietly. ‘What was going on here?’ I wondered. I’d only met them for a few minutes, but I could see already that they might have some fundamental differences of opinion — in fact, they might … read more »
Breaking the News to the Kids
My clients, Luis and Rosa, have the daunting task of telling their four-year-old son about their upcoming separation and divorce. They have asked me for some suggestions about how to tell him. Here are some pointers I’ve gleaned over the years that might be useful for Luis and Rosa — and for you if you ever find yourself in that position. Tips for Parents Talking to Kids About Divorce or Separation Create a safe atmosphere. Call a meeting at home, in … read more »
NY Spousal Maintenance
In the last post, A Few Notes About Spousal Maintenance, I wrote about new considerations that must be made because of recent changes to the federal tax law. Today, I’d like to circle back to explore the purpose and a little bit of the history of New York spousal maintenance laws. Spousal maintenance, or alimony, is a term for periodic and regular support payments from one ex-spouse to the other for a specified length of time. The concept of alimony … read more »
A Few Notes About Spousal Maintenance…
As you know, an important component of many divorces is the extent to which one person will pay alimony (also called spousal maintenance) to the other — if at all. This often comes up when one spouse has taken time out of the workforce, or when his or her standard of living is likely to decrease significantly upon divorce. The purpose of spousal support is to provide the payee support and give that spouse time to retool so he or … read more »
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