I am taking a course this weekend from Zoketsu Norman Fisher – a Zen Buddhist priest, and a teacher of meditation. In preparation, I read an article he wrote entitled, “Developing Compassion.” He writes, “to be narrowly self-interested and self-identified is simply a very dangerous and unhappy way to live – the wider your interest and larger your sense of identity, the happier and the stronger you will be.” And this reminds me of words of my mediation teachers, Jack … read more »
Gay and Lesbian Couples – Splitting Up
What options are available to gay and lesbian couples who are splitting up? If they’ve been legally married but live in a state that doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage, getting divorced may not be an option. If they are not legally married but have kids, they may have to go to civil court to divide up their property, and to family court to get an order about their children. It is much easier to do collaborative process or mediation, where the … read more »
How to Pick a Divorce Lawyer
The New York Times has been running a fantastic series about Divorce and Money. Tonight they asked people to comment on the best way to pick a divorce lawyer. Here is my answer: The best way to pick a divorce lawyer is to find someone who will try to optimize the situation for everyone involved (particularly the kids), not just for you. Think about the emotional and psychic costs as well as the financial costs. I am an attorney who only … read more »
The 6 Relationships …
I just returned from the ACR (Association for Conflict Resolution) annual conference, which really opened my eyes in a lot of ways. But one thing I wanted to share tonight was a concept from Stephen Reynolds, a mediator in Santa Cruz, CA with Common Ground Mediation Services. He comes from a business background, and had an interesting, analytical view of committed relationships. His view is that each committed relationship really has 6 relationships going on at once. In no particular … read more »
I and Thou
My favorite book is I and Thou by Martin Buber. It is the defining book of my life, I think. It is based upon a simple, but profound, premise: that each relationship we have is either I:It or I:Thou. I:It relationships with things – I:Thou (I:You) relationships are those with beings. It is contained, inanimate, what you can experience. Thou is spirit, limitless. “If I face a human being as my Thou,” Buber says, “and say the primary word I-Thou … read more »
Good for Your Health!
The New York Times published an article in the Well Column of the Science Section last week, entitled, “Divorce, It Seems, Can Make You Ill.” Similar news stories came out as well, based upon a study done by sociologists at the University of Chicago and at Johns Hopkins, that followed over 8,600 people, about 40% of whom had gotten divorced. The researchers found that divorce and widowhood are extremely stressful, physically as well as mentally, and that even getting remarried … read more »
The Elders
I’m so excited! This week I learned about a whole new way to use mediation – to help families make decisions together when an elderly parent can no longer take care of herself, or drive, or live alone. Or when the siblings are trying to decide what to do with the summer house, or how to divide up the stuff Dad left … The training was taught by Arline Kardasis and Blair Tripp from Elder Decisions/Agreement Resources in Massachusetts. They … read more »
We are all made of Sound
Mediating a few weeks ago, a client said, “We are all made of sound.” She meant that we are all influenced by others, shaped by others. What a poetic way of putting it. I have commented before on the “ghosts in the room,” in mediation – the parents, girlfriends, best friends, etc. who influence our thinking. These people, who are not actually sitting around the table, can have a deep effect on mediation. How do we address their thoughts … read more »
Secrecy in Collaborative Law
Two people, a man and a woman, came to me separately in the past week to explore the possibility of doing collaborative law. Both were people in short term marriages with no kids. The real estate wasn’t really the issue. And so it seemed that their situations were relatively simple, and that the collaborative process would be relatively simple. But scratching the surface made me see nuances that would not make the case appropriate. The man asked … read more »
Where are We?
President-elect Obama. Was the election really only 9 days ago? Doesn’t it seem as though the whole world has changed since then? It’s as though we have a whole new outlook, a new range of possibilities that didn’t exist before. You knew the moment was coming, but didn’t realize how profound a shift it would be until it really got here. How could it be? Many of my friends are strangely quiet, introspective, trying to get used to this new … read more »