One of the biggest tension points I see with divorcing couples is about money.
People come into relationships with vastly different views of both making money and spending it. One partner might want to save as much as possible, while the other uses “retail therapy” when they get stressed out. Or if one partner is earning a lot, it may make sense for the other partner to stay home with small kids. The earner may be happy to share income when things are going well, but becomes resentful when tensions arise, or as the kids get older and the stay-at-home parent doesn’t venture back out into the workforce. And virtually nobody feels that they have enough. Resentment can build and color everything else in the relationship. Money arguments are especially charged because they are so often rooted in values that people have never fully articulated, even to themselves.
So I’ve been interested in Ramit Sethi’s work around money and couples. He has a podcast, a Netflix show, and the book, I Will Teach You to Be Rich. I was delighted to realize that some of his underlying ideas overlap with mediation concepts.
Ramit Sethi pictured next to his “Money for Couples” workbook.
First, he starts with the idea that when couples argue about money, they are usually not just arguing about money. Scratch the surface, and their fears come into focus about security, autonomy, trust, fairness, and identity. You have to go below the level of the problem to understand what is going on – and to address the underlying fears.
Second, when he works with couples, he shifts the focus from blame and finger-pointing at each other to one where the couple is working together to solve a problem outside of themselves. When he asks, “What is your rich life?” he is not asking how much money they have in the bank. He asks couples to think together about what their priorities are – do they want to buy a house, do they want to save for college, do they want to retire and travel the world? This helps them work together to think about their values and their priorities.
Third, he emphasizes transparency — having conversations about money often, which takes the sting and the fear out of talking about it. The more often a couple can talk about it (calmly, without argument), the easier it becomes. And it is important to be honest with each other about finances, so they can make realistic choices together. Mediation, too, is about making informed decisions. One of the first things I say to divorcing couples is that in order to mediate, you have to be willing to be open about your finances and you have to trust that your spouse is being transparent about theirs.
Sethi encourages couples to talk regularly, to make decisions together, and to align their financial habits with the life they say they want. Once they have agreed on their values and their approach, they can create routines and systems to help them meet their needs.
When couples can go underneath the problem, speak honestly about what money means to them, and talk about their fears and values, the conversation changes. They can start to envision what they want, what they are working toward. It becomes less about who is right and more about what is true. And that is often where movement begins.
By the time I see people, we are talking about how to separate their finances and how they will start their new lives with as much security as possible. But perhaps if they had had these conversations early on, they wouldn’t need my services.