“When we came in, we were all a little compassionate. But this week enlarged our compassion pipes from the size of a vein to an artery.”
This is what I said last week at the close of a 6-day training on Self-reflection for Conflict Professionals, run by the Center for Understanding in Conflict (CUC).
About 24 of us mediators gathered at a rustic beachside retreat center in a tiny fishing village on the Pacific coast of Mexico. We came from California, Oregon, New York, Spain, Belgium, and Lithuania. We were all professionals – there to develop deeper compassion for our clients, and perhaps for our friends and families. We were learning from Gary Friedman, Catherine Conner, and Hansa Patel, the leaders at the CUC, and from Norman Fischer, a Zen Buddhist priest from the Everyday Zen Center in California.
We spent our time meditating together, writing in our journals, working with each other in groups of 2 and of 4, and just talking. We each chose a particular conflict to work on – either tension in relating to a client or something in our personal lives. And we practiced helping each other explore what was going on inside, what was difficult and uncomfortable, and what we would say if we were brave. Almost everyone was willing to be vulnerable – I was surprised at how much we opened up to each other in a very short time.
During the breaks, we swam and played in the waves. The ocean was ever-present as we ate, as we meditated, and as we slept. Norman said, “It’s hard to be here and not think that the ocean is breathing.” One day, a group of us went out about half an hour from the shore in small boats to see the whales.
There was a woman in the group who was young and beautiful and white and blonde and came from Los Angeles. I assumed that she had everything going for her and had no problems. But boy, I was wrong! It turned out that she was dealing with some very difficult life situations. You really don’t know what hurt someone is carrying until you get to know them.
Norman says, “sorrow and suffering are inevitable in any human life, even a happy one.”
And, of course, I had to face my own conflicts, internal and external. I’m a pretty happy person in general, but I was surprised to think about how much conflict I have in my own life. When I got quiet, my inner critic got loud!
Our natural tendency is to turn away from difficulty, Norman continues, but if we turn toward difficulty, we will actually be happier. And so we spent the week turning toward our own difficulties and the difficulties of others.
On the last day, we did a walking meditation on the beach. I walked silently among my new friends, feeling the sand crunch beneath my toes, watching the changing patterns as the waves lapped the shore. After a while, Norman rang the gong, and we went inside, and then the whales came to where we had been swimming just a few hours before. I want to think that they were drawn to our energy.
Video created by Arlene Edjourian. Watch it here.
I don’t know if I am more compassionate now, having been there. I hope I am. I hope I will be. I will keep trying to listen better, to be more fully present, and to be a better friend.