This week, I watched an online book talk by David Brooks about his book, How to Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. He told stories from the book and talked a bit about the process of writing it and the people he interviewed along the way. I had listened to the book on Audible.
I’ve been reading David Brooks’ opinion pieces in the New York Times for years and catch him occasionally on the PBS Newshour. I find him to be a little complicated – I want to dismiss him because I don’t agree with his politics and many of his expressed views. (For instance, according to Wikipedia, he opposes divorce!) His tone seemed to me to be contrarian – arguing for the sake of it. (In fact, he admits that as a young man, he felt that arguing was a form of prayer.) That kind of arguing – being the “devil’s advocate” drives me crazy.
So I approached this book with curiosity and caution. It seems to me that Brooks’s intellect and school smarts far outweigh his emotional intelligence. At some point, he realized that he was missing a connection with others and decided to do something about it. And this book (as well as some of his other recent books) is part of his exploration to become more socially and emotionally connected.
The book seemed like he was doing scientific research on how to be a nice person. But it wasn’t that he learned it from his parents or his grandparents (which is where I think most of us learn social skills); he was trying to find it in books and scientific studies. It’s like he had a beginner’s mind.
And so How to Know A Person cites many studies and papers, and experts. And it has some really good ideas. (e.g., Pay attention to what people are saying. Approach them with curiosity. Discover that getting to know people is fun! Ask questions that get to the heart of who they are and what makes them tick.)
At times while listening, I was judgmental of him, thinking, “I’m better than you are at getting to know people.” But then I realized the inherent contradiction of my own snobbiness. That elitism is exactly what he is talking about NOT doing.
Honestly, I started out by wanting to dismiss the book. But I think I’m going to buy the paperback and read it again. I think I have something to learn.