I’ve always thought it strange that the word “divorce” can be a noun. You can say, “I’m getting a divorce” like “I’m getting a puppy.” But there is no physical person, place, or thing that you’re getting. You can’t hold a divorce. It has no physical weight.
So what are you getting when you get a divorce? You’re getting a life transition, a new chapter, a new identity. And it’s not one transition, it’s many. I’ve written before about the different separations (emotional, physical, financial, social, and legal) that all occur with slightly different timelines.
In other words, divorce, like grief, is a prolonged process that takes place over time and space that leads to a new chapter of life. And it is never the only thing going on in our lives. We are getting divorced at the same time that we are taking the subway to work and getting promoted or looking for a job and making lunch for the kids and working out and going out to dinner with friends. It might be the main subject of what we are thinking or talking about (or not), but it’s not all we are doing. It hums in the background.
Each time we think and talk about “getting divorced,” we are getting used to the idea, adjusting our inner being, and inching another step toward our new life. Some of us may welcome the transition, some may resist it mightily. Most people, I think, will have very mixed feelings. Everyone’s experience of divorce is so different.
Then one day, there is a visible, physical change. We are living in a different configuration of family, perhaps in a new home, our life has a new rhythm. We don’t expect the same things of our ex. Our emotions calm down. We’re not in crisis anymore. We may still feel pangs of grief regret or relief. But they are not the dominant feeling – we are in a new life chapter. We adjust to our new life.
The term, “getting a divorce” really is an inaccurate shorthand. I don’t think we have a good word for this concept, at least not in English. Our lives have so many chapters. What is the term for ending one chapter and starting another?