Not all family mediation has to do with divorce. Early in my mediation career, I learned how to do elder mediation, and tried to establish it as a practice. It turned out not to be a good fit for me as a business model, but I still have a fondness for the concept, so I was thrilled to see that the New York Times wrote about it this week in their article, “When Families Fight over a Relative with Dementia, It’s Time to Call in the Mediator.”
Elder mediation addresses the concerns adult siblings might have in caring for their aging parents. Caring for aging parents can be complicated – it involves a lot of decision-making, financial planning, and logistics. For instance, parents may need physical things to keep them safely in their home (grab bars, ramps, shower chairs, etc.) or they may need someone to cook for them or to take them to appointments. Then there are bigger decisions to make – do memory issues prevent them from staying safely in the house? Could they be happy in an assisted living facility? Do they need skilled care? And, of course, there are financial concerns – will they have enough money to live on? How can they afford the care that they need?
And then there are the challenges of being the daughter or son. Your parents may not live nearby and yet need day-to-day attention. You have to coordinate with siblings who have varying levels of interest, ability, or tolerance for caregiving (and for cooperating with you). Siblings are often opinionated about how to care for Mom and Dad, and tensions can run high, making it even more difficult to get things done.
Elder mediation can help siblings share their concerns and work together to address their parents’ needs. But even mediation isn’t easy. To start, you have to agree on the answers to certain questions:
- Who is involved in the decision-making? It includes the siblings, yes. But what about their spouses? Or other family members who might live near the elder or be involved in day-to-day caregiving? How involved should the parent be?
- Exactly what problem are you trying to solve? Does everyone agree on what the issue is?
- Who will pay for the mediator’s time? Will the siblings split the bill? Will the parent pay?
- Do all of the siblings agree to participate? Can they agree on a time to meet? Do they need to do anything to prepare?
I’ve found that parents almost always want, more than anything, for their children to get along. They want to know that siblings will look out for each other and care for each other. Our relationships with our siblings are the longest relationships we will have in our lives.
So investing the time, thought and funds in that relationship can have long and lasting benefits for our health and happiness.