A visitor to Jerusalem goes to the Wailing Wall. He sees a rabbi there, praying. He asks the rabbi what he is praying for. “Peace in the middle east,” the rabbi says. “How long have you been praying?” our visitor asks. “Every day for 25 years!” “And how is it going? Do you think we are making progress?” our friend asks. “It’s like talking to a wall!” The rabbi exclaims. I’ve noticed that one of the most powerful aspects … read more »
Different Time Zones
I’ve been doing a few mediations lately where the timing of the partners is way out of sync. It often happens in divorce that one person can’t wait and the other is dragging his/her feet. So what do you do? Well, as my friend Rachel Green says, “A train can only go as fast as its slowest wheel.” Mediation is a voluntary process. and it must be done in tandem, so the rabbit has no choice but wait for the … read more »
A New Mindset!
“We are living in a society in which victims are compensated with money.” – Rod Wells Rod is one of my colleagues on the Board of Directors of the Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York, and he is also a Financial neutral in mediation and collaborative cases. He stated this at a meeting of the NYS Council on Divorce Mediation a few weeks ago. If we come to a separation with that mentality, we must show how … read more »
Either/Or or Both/And?
My friends and I used to talk about a concept of “both/and” as opposed to “either/or.” What we meant was that, when making group decisions, we could look for solutions that were good for the group as a whole – and therefore each person in the group (a win-win approach), rather than one person winning at the expense of another losing. This really describes the basis of mediation and collaborative process, as opposed to litigation. It’s not about individual … read more »
Which Way Are You Facing?
One of the hardest and most important tasks in working with a couple is to get them to turn around. They almost always come in, facing each other, arguing. They see the other person in front of them, and often they are furious. All they can see is what that person has done to them, all they can feel is the loss and rage inside that that person has caused. And then there are the logistics to work … read more »
What Can You Agree On?
I’m excited because I just finished mediating a case that really worked. To be honest, the first time I met the couple, I really had my doubts. If he said the sky is blue, she’d say, “you’re lying – you know it’s green!!” I mean they couldn’t agree about the most basic of facts. But they both clearly loved their daughter, and they were both responsible parents. The problem was that the mother wanted to move to another city, … read more »
Splitting up
“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.” – Margaret AtwoodWhat started as a partnership in marriage (or coming together) has become a (perhaps unwitting) partnership in divorce (or splitting apart.) It is a long and painful process, particularly when there are kids or real estate involved. Which is the best process for you?The Starbucks Approach. You and your partner can sit down over a cup of coffee and work out the details together. … read more »
Obama and Mediation
“In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world’s great religions demand – that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Let us be our brother’s keeper… Let us be our sister’s keeper. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well.” — Barack Obama, Philadelphia, PA, March 18, 2008. Mediation is built … read more »