My mediation partner, Jane Ginsberg, PsyD, and I, led two workshops on Cape Cod this week regarding elder decisions. Both workshops were well attended, both by caregivers and by elders themselves. I was amazed to see how quickly people opened up to us and to each other. Some of their concerns were logistical – for instance, about where they might live, or whether they should still drive. There were also concerns about being lonely, and about the ongoing grief of … read more »
Divorce Mediation, NY Times Style
Recently, the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece, written by Prof. Stephanie Coontz, about the proposed legislation permitting no-fault divorce in New York State. The article, entitled Divorce, No-Fault Style, points out that New York State is the only state that requires fault, making it more difficult for couples to get divorced. But it is the last 2 paragraphs that I found to be the most important, because they are about divorce mediation. Here is my favorite quote, citing … read more »
How to Pick a Divorce Lawyer
The New York Times has been running a fantastic series about Divorce and Money. Tonight they asked people to comment on the best way to pick a divorce lawyer. Here is my answer: The best way to pick a divorce lawyer is to find someone who will try to optimize the situation for everyone involved (particularly the kids), not just for you. Think about the emotional and psychic costs as well as the financial costs. I am an attorney who only … read more »
I and Thou
My favorite book is I and Thou by Martin Buber. It is the defining book of my life, I think. It is based upon a simple, but profound, premise: that each relationship we have is either I:It or I:Thou. I:It relationships with things – I:Thou (I:You) relationships are those with beings. It is contained, inanimate, what you can experience. Thou is spirit, limitless. “If I face a human being as my Thou,” Buber says, “and say the primary word I-Thou … read more »
Good for Your Health!
The New York Times published an article in the Well Column of the Science Section last week, entitled, “Divorce, It Seems, Can Make You Ill.” Similar news stories came out as well, based upon a study done by sociologists at the University of Chicago and at Johns Hopkins, that followed over 8,600 people, about 40% of whom had gotten divorced. The researchers found that divorce and widowhood are extremely stressful, physically as well as mentally, and that even getting remarried … read more »
The Elders
I’m so excited! This week I learned about a whole new way to use mediation – to help families make decisions together when an elderly parent can no longer take care of herself, or drive, or live alone. Or when the siblings are trying to decide what to do with the summer house, or how to divide up the stuff Dad left … The training was taught by Arline Kardasis and Blair Tripp from Elder Decisions/Agreement Resources in Massachusetts. They … read more »
We are all made of Sound
Mediating a few weeks ago, a client said, “We are all made of sound.” She meant that we are all influenced by others, shaped by others. What a poetic way of putting it. I have commented before on the “ghosts in the room,” in mediation – the parents, girlfriends, best friends, etc. who influence our thinking. These people, who are not actually sitting around the table, can have a deep effect on mediation. How do we address their thoughts … read more »
Where are We?
President-elect Obama. Was the election really only 9 days ago? Doesn’t it seem as though the whole world has changed since then? It’s as though we have a whole new outlook, a new range of possibilities that didn’t exist before. You knew the moment was coming, but didn’t realize how profound a shift it would be until it really got here. How could it be? Many of my friends are strangely quiet, introspective, trying to get used to this new … read more »
Obama (the Mediator) for President
“The change we need isn’t just about new programs and policies. It’s about a new politics – a politics that calls upon our better angels instead of encouraging our worst instincts; one that reminds us of the obligations we have to ourselves and one another.” — Barack Obama, Canton, Ohio, October 27, 2008. Mediation calls upon our “better angels.” And in mediation we learn to see a problem through another person’s eyes. In the family mediation that I practice, we … read more »
Bankrupt?
Is bankruptcy a possibility for you? For your ex? Are you worried about how it will affect the financial terms of your divorce or separation? Bankruptcy cannot discharge court-ordered obligations of child support, alimony or equitable distribution. That means that even if you declare bankruptcy, you must pay support to your family. It also means that if there is any money that will be divided among creditors, the family comes first. But what if you are not legally married? … read more »