“But you had an affair!” “But you started drinking … again!” What is a grudge? The Oxford Dictionary website defines it as ‘A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.’ As you can imagine, nearly everyone who walks through the doors of my office to get divorced has a grudge or two in their pocket. I’m sure some are well deserved. Certainly, past insults and injuries are what lead to divorce in the … read more »
What’s Your Story?
“If you are not writing your stories, your stories are being written by others.” – Wajahat Ali “The world is made up of stories, not atoms” – Muriel Rukheyser We are winding down the spring semester Family Law class at CUNY Law School. Last week, in our class about domestic violence, I showed the students a documentary, Crime After Crime1. It’s about Debbie Peagler, who participated in the murder of her boyfriend after he brutally abused her all through her … read more »
Facing Your ‘Other’
When I mediate, I am sometimes struck by the fact that our lives can be profoundly affected by the actions of others. It can be frustrating to think about our lives being out of our control. I am happier when I focus on what we can control — particularly our own thoughts, our attitudes, and our actions. Of course, change is difficult, but certainly possible. I have used my thoughts and actions at critical points to change the course … read more »
The Power of Dignity
A few months ago, I had the pleasure of giving a Continuing Legal Education presentation on the Dignity Model with attorney-mediator colleagues Teresa Calabrese and Andrea Hirshman. Here is a clip from it, where I am talking about the concept that we ALWAYS have dignity — no one can take it away, no matter how badly they treat us. It is an important part of negotiation— you have to honor your own self-worth before you can honor that in others. … read more »
Just Listen
I write this on my way back from a conference in Washington, DC for the Project for Integrating Spirituality, Law and Politics (PISLAP) entitled, “Fostering Human Connection in an Era of Alienation.” One workshop I attended there, led by John Spiegel and Judith M. Glasser — and based upon the work of Nancy Kline — was called “Souls in Action: Using ‘Generative Attention’ to Resolve Conflicts.” Their assertion is that attention is a creative act, and that we can help … read more »
R-E-S-P-E-C-T — Find Out What it Means to Me!
I write this just days after the death of the infamous Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin. Hers was the voice of a generation — my generation — but she meant so much more. While it is difficult to imagine a world without her, I am grateful for her music, which will live on. From my perspective, Aretha’s most influential song was “Respect,” written by Otis Redding. As Wesley Morris wrote in her obituary, she turned the song — and the … read more »
Families Belong Together
On June 30, I joined about 30,000 others in Foley Square in Manhattan to protest the detention of the over 2,300 children who have been ripped away from their parents at the southern US border — many of whom are under 10 years old. Some are housed in large tents, some in converted warehouses. Some are scattered thousands of miles away from their parents — to 17 states, including New York. Yet, these kids have done nothing wrong. Their parents, … read more »
Keep Your Enemies Closer
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the book, Dignity, by Donna Hicks. Today I am writing about another important book I’ve read recently, The Opposite of Hate: A Field Guide to Repairing Our Humanity, by Sally Kohn. Sally was my intern many years ago when she was in law school and she was funny, sometimes quirky, and wicked smart. She is a progressive lesbian feminist from Brooklyn, who is also a television commentator. She appeared often on Fox News, … read more »
Elder Mediation and Family Conversations
The New York Times ran an article about elder mediation and how it can be useful to adult siblings who are working together to take care of aging parents. Elder mediation can help sisters and brothers air out differences, understand each other,clarify their expectations, and approach each other with compassion so they can work together as a team. This is one of the services we offer. As it happens, I just published an article on FamilyAffaires.com describing elder mediation and … read more »
Divorce Envy ~ Who knew?
I’m honored and excited that I was quoted in Amy Sohn’s Harper’s Bazaar’s article about Divorce Envy. It really is an honor. And an interesting topic. We feel the need to keep up with the Joneses to get the latest handbag, to do hot yoga and eat kale, why not to get divorced in the most healing way possible? As I said, if it leads to a trend of collaborative process and divorce mediation, maybe peer pressure is a very … read more »