I’ve recently been helping some parents think through how and when to talk to their children about their divorce. Here are some tips I’ve come up with – it’s based on years of reading and working with parents. – please share it with your spouse! 7 Tips for Parents Talking to Kids About Divorce or Separation Plan. Talk with your spouse first and plan out how and when you are going to have this talk. Your children will remember this … read more »
Did Will Smith have an amygdala hijack?
That is what psychologist Daniel Goleman has described as the fight or flight response. The amygdala, a tiny almond shaped structure in our brains, sometimes acts almost reflexively. When a lion is after you, the theory goes, you don’t have time to make a thoughtful, considered decision. It’s time to go! Chris Rock was not a lion – and Will Smith wasn’t in physical danger. But Will Smith obviously felt so threatened that he had to do something about it … read more »
The New York City Family Courts are Clogged Worse Than the BQE at Rush Hour
I filed two uncontested divorces in early February 2021 in Manhattan Supreme Court, and neither of them have been signed yet. That is nearly 13 months. It is stressful for my clients, and has a real economic impact, because they cannot transfer or access their retirement accounts until their judgment of divorce is signed. — But that is nothing compared to what is going on in Family Court. I worked in the Family Courts for 10 years before I became … read more »
Working with Financial Neutrals
One of the hardest problems that a divorcing couple may face is how to divide up marital property. Each spouse makes a list of everything they own and everything they owe. This is called a Net Worth Statement. Then the court – or the spouses – must decide which property is separate (which that spouse will keep) and which is marital (or joint) and will have to get divided. As you can imagine, this can be emotional, and may be a … read more »
Who Wears the Pants in Your Family?
When I was growing up, the expectation for middle-class marriages (which were always between women and men) was that it was the man’s job to earn enough money to support the family, and it was the woman’s job was to have children and to contribute to the economy by spending money. [Of course, I recognize that working-class women (particularly those of color) have always worked.] Couples were expected to stay married for life, and it was very difficult to get … read more »
Why I Don’t Caucus
One of the things to think about when you are looking for a divorce mediator is whether they will meet with both of you together or will meet with you each separately. Meeting with each person separately in mediation is called “caucusing.” Mediators who caucus often do “shuttle mediation” — they go back and forth between parties who are in separate rooms, helping each identify their priorities and working toward a resolution. But I don’t do it. I meet with … read more »
Breaking the news to the kids
Are you the child of a divorce? If so, do you remember when you realized that your parents were separating? My guess is that you do.What do you remember about it–Do you remember what room you were in? Or what you heard? What did you feel? Who comforted you? What was said? Did your parents tell you or did you overhear something? Was it in the context of an argument or was it presented to you calmly? Did your parents … read more »
Trust but Verify
I have a question for you – where do you go for advice? If you’re like me, I’m sure you’re saying … Google! But where on Google? How do you know which sites are trustworthy? Now, I can hear you saying, “it depends what I want to know…”. Yes, that’s true for me, too! For instance, when I want to buy a new purchase (like a new web camera or a mattress or a tea kettle), I look at Consumer … read more »
The Five Divorces
Let’s revisit to our friends, Lonnie and Chris, from last week’s blog post about the divorce journey… Lonnie and Chris got married right out of college.¹ They had a lot of ups and downs, and over time, they grew apart. After 20 years, they decided to divorce. They told the kids and their families. At first Chris started sleeping on the couch, but after about 3 months, he moved out and leased another apartment. They decided which furniture Chris would take and which Lonnie would keep. … read more »
The Divorce Journey
Lonnie and Chris got married right out of college¹. They had a lot of ups and downs, and over time, they grew apart. After 20 years, they decided to divorce. They told the kids and their families. At first Chris started sleeping on the couch, but after about 3 months, he moved out and leased another apartment. They decided which furniture Chris would take and which Lonnie would keep. They came up with a parenting schedule for their kids, which … read more »
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